awayfromnepal

the journey back home has started
slowly slowly
the content of the backpack has reduced
only the necessary things are left over
some clothes, some soap, a book, a towel
traveling forces one to give up belongings, favorite dresses, attachments
giving away things that are closest to you -so that it hurts a little bit :
the best way to feel light and free and happy to have nothing in particular

Amritsar the first stop on the way back
Amritsar, close to the border with Pakistan, known for its golden temple, holy place for Sikhs
from the Kumbh Mela to this place
only the kind of the religion is different
all the rest is there : the charity, devotion, the masses, the offerings, the merging of daily and holy life
a tiring experience but who cares being tired when home is coming closer?

From Amritsar it is 40 kms to the border with Pakistan
There a very strange event happens every evening at sunset
On both Pakistani and Indian sides there are tribunes for public
I was sitting on the Indian side
Last night, just like every night, there was a ceremony
celebrating and increasing nationalist feelings
First a whole bunch of Indian women (and a few tourists) stand in the middle
when the Bollywoodmusic starts they start to dance and laugh and have a party
The Pakistani`s are now only swaying their flags
India has more fun
India-Pakistan 1-0
After the party the real battle starts
A handful of guards throw their legs in the air and walk with their arms swinging dangerously back and forth
On the Pakistani side the same thing happens
A man with a microphone and running shoes runs around like an Indian with a microphone and running shoes and encourages people to clap their hands, shout and sing louder than the Pakistani`s
He puts the microphone in the mouth of a guard who starts to make a sound as long as his breath allows him to
after that the guard swings his leg over his head
the same roaring sound is heard on the other side when the Indian is already finished
So Pakistani`s have a longer breath (or they begin to roar later)
In any case, cheating or not: India-Pakistan 1-1
Now all the guards start to swing arms and legs again in the direction of the Pakistani side
The gates are violently thrown open from both sides
One guard from each country has the dangerous task to shake hands
They do
They shake arms and shoulders and heads, would be a more proper description of the shake
The public loves it
The man with the microphone shouts HINDUSTAN, the public shouts something back which I don`t understand because I don`t speak hindi
Pakistani`s also have a microphone and shout Jeera Jeera Pakistan in it
The gates close
One guard has some problems with the rope of the Indian flag
but no problem
What can go wrong
we are all having fun
My attention wanders away a bit in all the mixed feelings I`m having
and then the ceremony has ended
Pictures were taken, people laughed, shouted, had a great time
I couldn`t help but think of Gandhi`s biography and his life he devoted to teach people that differentiation is stupid, that divisions between casts, religions, colours, sexes is senseless
I could see the fun of it for a few seconds when those guards started to roar in the microphone
but the overall feeling was sadness
sitting on a tribune only for foreigners
next to that a tribune only for women
close to the guards some rows only for very important Indians
two tribunes for men
then two gates
one with India written on it
one with Pakistan
and on the other side
the same division
A sad, funny, childish happening that doesn`t hurt anyone of course
but only because Gandhi is already dead
he would`ve undertaken a fast in order to teach the people again and again that categorizing people only leads to suffering and violence
Especially here in Amritsar where thousands of people were killed in one day by a British officer in the months before the Partition happened
They were non-violently gathering during a protest against the British rule, just standing on a square
The officer ordered his men to open the fire
Just like that
That is what happened in Amritsar
not such a long time ago
A city with a beautiful golden temple and charitable sikhs
and a dark past

Back to the plan
The next stop will be Lahore
From there most probably a plane will be taken to Tehran
if I am granted a visa and if a plane is available
let`s see
Let`s first see Lahore
because planning two steps in advance has proven not to work
having an idea and following that idea without knowing how it will turn out
that has proven the best way of traveling

The current idea is a strong one and the only one : reaching home
hopefully in a few weeks
over land (mostly)
Pakistan, Iran, Turkey and then through Europe

You will hear from me soon

India strikes (again)

Life has played a trick on me
Not necessarily wanted to come to India
it was just on the way to Nepal...

Now
The outward journey
Is becoming an inward one
India shows its hidden powers
What is buried underneath the chaos, the sounds, the masses
Is a universal, endless knowledge
What is hidden behind the 1000 gods
Is one
What was a seed inside elsewhere
Is sprouting here
India knows
She doesn’t speak
Or at least not about what she knows
She only gently takes you by the hand
Without you realizing it
Gives you the experiences you need
Takes away the superfluous ones
Encourages seekers of truth
Doesn’t leave them empty-handed at the side of the road
She knows she has a lot to offer
Many fakes, one real one
Many cheaters, one saint
But she knows
That that is the way
Offering the wrong
In order to identify it, experience it, live it, taste it
Become sick
And be purified
And find the right
India knows more than one is able to grasp
Understanding not to understand
Traveling while not moving
Losing in order to find
Holding the breath in order to breathe
Diarrhea in order to become healthy and empty
Craving not to crave anymore

That is India’s teaching
That is India’s noble truth
In the form of mountains, rivers, saints and a very special woman

baba's at the Kumbh Mela

doubts

sri santosh puri ashram, 9th of april 2010

Being here for the second time
Unavoidably more intense
Just this and just that are not enough anymore
Why this and why that?
The answer is gone
So many feelings, experiences, sensations
But unable to label them
As if one bath filled with many things
Without distinction
What am I doing here?
What to learn? What to experience?
Is there maybe someone who can point out the direction?
A guide not needed
Just someone, or even one finger, to exclude some options
And to demand kindly but insistingly to go this way

And actually I know it
I know the answer
Doubt as an excuse to postpone the answer
And the answer is surrendering
Only that
Because that is what surrender is
Only that
A little bit of surrender doesn’t exist
Only that
So simple and so hard
To surrender oneself to the unknown
To let go
Of the control of the West, the past
Of opinions and thoughts
Of self-image and other image
Of heart and head
To let it be and to see with clearer sight her true nature
Fear

Even the words won’t help me this time
Even showing inability won’t work this time
Waste of time
In the best case an assist
A revelation of that which is necessary
And that is doing
Only that
Jumping
Just jumping
Closed eyes, closed ears, closed mouth, closed nose
-and therefore opener than ever-
And three times head down in the holy Ganga
Why holy?
No idea
Why three times?
No idea
Why head down?
Because head above is fear
Because head above is grasping on
Because head above doesn’t wet your hair

Why to bow?
Because bowing is surrendering, of body and mind
Surrendering to that what has always been present
In bower and non-bower
In giver and taker
In guru and disciple
Surrendering to the divine in each one
Simple
Om namo narayana
But still only words
Praying is a way to become enlightened
But what if the words sound hollow?
Right for the other, but not for me
Understood by the head, but not by the heart
What to do?
Being silent
Not wanting to become enlightened
Listening, being present
And then suddenly
A glimpse
Having given up the search, just breathed
And there is the normal miracle
Happiness, not more
Without thinking
Only that

The heart needs a bit more time
But once opened
It learns exponentially faster than the head
The heart doesn’t need to learn by heart
Doesn’t need to be convinced
It knows, directly

Darkness again
Thoughts, resistance, irritation of all that and who is in the vicinity
Being allergic to hollow words, hollow deeds
Seeing a baba, everyone at his feet
In a tent with glitters and airco
I can’t feel it, the respect
I see a man in a leather sofa, talking
No saint, no Jesus
Just a man with a beard of whom many pictures have been taken
But then there is the devotee
With simple words, simple gaze, no unnecessary action
“so how many are you, are you hungry?”
Getting food, without blame, without fuss
Normal
And then you feel something real
This I understand, says the heart
I understand, says the heart, that surrendering is nothing more than giving what you can
I understand that it is no special gift, no yogic art, no magic
Surrender is a bread that you give without counting the crumbs
Surrender is a smile that you give before you know it
Surrender is a gaze, without purpose or doubt
I understand, says the heart
And the head nods because it has understood that it is sometimes better to be quiet and it even starts to like it
I understand, says the heart, because it wasn’t finished yet,
That from today on I will give what I can, will say what I think, will act without expecting a reward, will listen to words and see through them the heart that is talking to me
I understand, says the heart, that that is now the task
And praying will come or not, bowing will follow or not, surrendering will be right or won’t be
The heart is quiet for a while, is not used to so many words
I am quiet too
Silence
And then I say, without anyone having to hear it, meaningless and much too late because the heart has yet decided : “I agree”

farewell to Laura

We left as two big girls
We will return as two women
Where to begin?
A letter that starts from the heart never begins with the beginning
That’s why : the end
Nepal, the trek
It is so beautiful to see you here in the mountains after 5 months of traveling together
In your eyes I see change compared with the start
I see your passions arising, your dreams becoming more defined, your ideas more clear
And what I know for sure, I just know
Is that you will reach the goal you want to reach
Without any doubt, without looking back
Maybe with a detour, a side road, a run-up, an obstacle on the road
But what is sure is that your goal whatever it may be
Is within your reach
What a power
There aren`t many people who can create there life in that way, according to their wishes
You possess a sort of power that attracts what you need in order to go forward
And that`s where you`re going
Forward
All the time forward
Even if sometimes it doesn`t seem so, it is

You have the quality to change
To observe yourself and draw conclusions out of it
To stay true to yourself
Sometimes at the cost of being on time
And of my patience
But that`s only my own problem
Having lost yourself to eventually
Find yourself
More pure, more real, more honest, more feminine
Back

Those are the things I have seen
And of which I take a little piece with me
Just because they`re beautiful and right

As if this trek is a concentrate of the whole trip
Everything is being lived so intensely
The lessons we learned the last months are being applied
The troubles we had with ourselves, in ourselves, with each other
Are being pured out and dissolved
The pleasure stays and increases

As if this trek is a resume
A necessary goal
Where nature, human, time, space, clouds, snow, silence, past, future, now come together and become one

To share that with someone is very powerful

In the beginning of the trip I`ve written down something, a wish
That we would help each other to grow
That wish has been heard

Thanks to our faith in life
In things and how they go
Thanks to our willingness to learn, to keep on changing, to search, research
Thanks to our ability to be flexible

We are traveling together
Soon it will be that we were traveling together
Each with her own mindset
Each with her own things to process
Each with her own goal
And it works, it works
It worked, it worked

Beyond the differences I`ve learned to see you
It is a lesson of every day
Adjusting the image you have
With each step
Not clinging to a moment, a word
But continuing
On your own rhythm
And still together
Leaving space for each others growth
And still together

To have the opportunity to be with someone on a turning point
In life and thoughts
In body and heart
Is very intimate
Very intense

We left as two big girls
We will return as two women
Thanks to each other
Thanks to you
Thanks, to you

broken english on an unexpected saturday

Haridwar, sri santosh puri ashram, saturday april 3rd

A usual day in the ashram. As far as one can speak about usual during the Kumbh Mela festival. The loudloudspeakers of the adjacent temple remember you of it every second. And more subtle, Kumbh Mela is being felt. Something hangs here. A constant movement, which you can call agitation when in a negative mood, in the good moments you feel the upward energy, the gathering of so many souls with the same goal : being together in peace around the holy ganga. So, a regular day in unusual circumstances.
A friend of the ashram came by to say hello, to talk a bit.
From far I heard him say that the Dalai Lama is in Haridwar. He says it in such an evident way that it almost passed my attention. Until I tell myself that I would love to meet him, had I forgotten maybe?
I finish the text I was writing and leave with three other people and one clue of where he could maybe be. The search can begin. For his Holiness the Dalai Lama.
On the first spot we are being sent to another place. That`s how searching goes.
Only Simone, Australian girl, joins me to the second link. From the rikshaw she sees a big poster with the head of the Dalai Lama. We stop the rikshaw and find the 3rd link.
It turns out to be the final one already.
We hear a man talking in a microphone. Not the Dalai Lama but maybe a supporting program?
We enter the tent and first see around a thousand other people and then the Dalai Lama, together with a handful of other highly respected Indian saints.
We find two seats in the front and sit down in awe. In awe because of the ease of the search.
That`s how it goes. Whenever you don`t expect anything to happen, it happens. Just like that. Not just like that, but with considerable greater ease than when expected.
Here we are. Listening to the Hindi of a saint which we don`t understand. Simone takes pictures to later look up which Indian celebrity she has taken pictures from.
Where are we actually?
At a presentation of the encyclopedia of Hinduism apparently.
Beautiful. The Dalai Lama presenting the encyclopedia of Hinduism.
A man runs, hops and laughs on stage accompanied by loud applause. It is Ram Dev. The Indian who brought yoga to the masses.
I start to have the feeling we ended up in a holy rockfestival. With idols of whom everyone wants to catch a glimpse.
Every culture its heroes.
We have the rockstars, they have the saints. That`s how the whole Kumbh Mela looks like, seen superficially and from the outside. As one big holy Woodstock. Encampments everywhere, billboards of saints, loudspeakers speaking loudly holy music.
Ram Dev talks. Everyone is hanging at his lips. The Dalai Lama is pulling his beard. Everybody laughs.
He must be talking about the roots of Hinduism, because every five words he says the word Sanskrit.
Then the Dalai Lama talks. In Tibetan he praises India and her non-violence. Compared to Hindi, the Tibetan language sounds so peaceful, almost meditative. Then he talks in English. In broken English, he apologizes himself.
The eyes of the Tibetan women-monks next to me are worth gold. The devotion, the love, the respect that shines in them is beautifully moving.
The Dalai Lama starts with saying that he is a son of India. He considers India as the guru, the Tibetans its disciples.
He praises Gandhi and the history of ahimsa, non-violence, in India.
He says that it is unseen, such an immense country with so many inhabitants, where so many religions are able to live together in relative peace without making life hard on each other.
He sees it as an example for the world. Then he gives some practical tips to attain peace of mind. Because peace of mind is good for the health. He emphasizes that he speaks beyond religion, that he`s bringing a secular message that anyone can understand and apply.
He says that peace of mind is attainable through being compassionate.
He advises to be compassionate in the morning and then to feel the result the whole day long.
He then also praises the chapati of India and the beard of Ram Dev. Nothing of what he said was unknown to me, but to hear the simple words from his mouth, feels like a privilege.
Having the ability to make people believe in and live in the simplest truth, is a great power. He has that ability because he doesn`t only say what he says, he also does it, you can hear that, you can see that, you know that.
He is not (only) a politician pleading for his case, wanting to increase his power.
He is a human being who understood that non-violence is the longest but the only right way to peace.
Just like Gandhi had understood that in head and heart and deeds and words.
I am happy to have seen and heard him.
In broken English, on an unexpected Saturday.

Kopan monastery - a thought

When a bird whistles, then he`s already whistling something else before the thought `a bird whistles` could`ve been formed in my mind
When I see a bird, then he has grown already before I could think `bird`
Words always –always- come too late
Not a single word has come to existence before the thing that it refers to
That`s why it is better just to see a bird than to think `bird`
Why it is better to experience the whistling of a bird than to think `a bird whistles`
It will be the most beautiful bird ever
The most beautiful whistle ever
One time I hope to be able to apply my own words
Until that day, I, too, will only see and here the limited bird

Annapurna round – a diary after the top

Muktinath to Jomsom

We are tired. But at least I slept well. Laura almost didn`t sleep. And then Babu appears to have decided to walk seven hours today. Long, tough day. A lot of wind. Really a lot of wind. We see the most beautiful landscapes, I take many pictures. But we are tired. It`s yesterday that has made us tired.
Jomsom is a place where you rather don`t want to arrive, certainly not when tired.
The guesthouse is not cosy and the woman unfriendly. A tough off-day.
What goes up…



Jomsom to Kalopani

The bodies are still tired. The minds are ok. Better than yesterday and we`re happy that Jomsom lies behind us. We eat lunch made by a transvestite who makes the best dal ever (dal is a typical Indian/Nepali dish made of lentils). We walk in a good rhythm. A good, normal day that ends in Kalopani that can be called a paradise after Jomsom. The warm shower is being welcomed, the food as well, the company as well. All is good. Long live all.




Kalopani to Tatopani

Kalopani was a heaven compared to Jomsom. Slept well, ate well (Yak cheese!) and did yoga in the morning with the Israelian girls we met on our first day.
Today we walked again around seven hours.
I discovered today what already exists since ages, what has always been under my and everybody`s nose, as if I have read a book that I`ve read a million times before without understanding, I had an age-old insight. I was in the now.
Nothing more or less. What a tremendous energy!
What a burden that suddenly disappeared. What a simple happiness. Afraid to lose it? Impossible, it`s always there. And it`s so simple.
A river only flows now, I hear her only now, the step I am taking is now the only step I am taking, worries about money, about Belgium, about future, they are not there now, because I am taking a step and then another step and then another step. Every moment the possibility of this insight. No way back.
Talking or not talking, doesn`t matter. I don`t have to be alone in the now.
I don`t mind sharing this.
What an energy that`s being released.
No effort in walking.
And getting there back? That`s possible at any moment. Just breathing and waiting and nothing else.
And listening.
The whole world is in this moment.
Only now.
All the rest has passed or has to come and I don`t have the least control of that.
The only thing I can do, I can do now.
And being happy is being happy.
Being sad is being sad.
Being tired is being tired.
Nothing more. Without blame. Without intention. Without a monkey on your back.
That is what truth is. Now.
All the rest is a little bit of a lie because passed or still to come. And who can control what has already happened, who can know exactly what there is to come? That`s why now is the only truth to which I want to live.
To which I want to act.
Acting is living in the now in concentrated form.

Tomorrow will be a tough day. For the moment (now) I am ok. Still 3 more days to go. We go.


Tatopani – a day off as a surprise

How clearly you begin to see signs when you open yourself to them. Life is full of them. We`re only sometimes too preoccupied to see them.
Yesterday night I went to ask for the key of a room where we could do yoga in the morning. Had to wait. A man started talking to me. It turned out to be the same man we passed twice yesterday on his motorbike. He was a westerner who wore a blue shirt and a tie. That`s why he drew my attention. Most westerners you see here wear a backpack and walking sticks. He appears to be engineer and is building a school here. Already for ten years.
He told me that we could impossibly leave Tatopani without going to the hotspring. Tomorrow early morning he would go there for meditation. We agree I would join him.
A nice meeting.
At 5.25 am I see the flashlight of the engineer and we head in the direction of the hotspring.. He gives me a sari that I can/have to/want to wear to go in the water. The hotspring should be good for aching muscles and the skin, the engineer tells me, whose name is Douglas from now.
It`s still dark, I close my eyes and try not to think about too much. It works for a few bright seconds. Eyes open and it`s light. Wonderful when that happens. Meditating on the edge of night and day. And above that in a natural hotspring. In the Himalaya`s.
After the hotspring, yoga. The idea arises to take a day off here. This spot begs for it. Again a very powerful place.
The yoga went so smoothly. The whole body more flexible than ever.
Laura gratefully accepts the rest-day-proposal
Douglas joins us for breakfast together with Bhuwan (the owner of the guesthouse) with whom we talk for hours on end. About traveling. He agreed that it is important to see the world to see things in a broader perspective. Although I start to wonder if that is really true. The more I learn, the more I see, the more incomplete it all appears to be. As if you chop some pieces out of a thick glacier to get a glimpse of what is underneath. But at the same time, because of the chopping,the ice you are standing looses its stability. Something like that…You lose more when you think you`ve won something. Only loosing isn`t always such a negative happening as we think.
A beautiful day. A rest day. The first day of spring (in the West). All is good. Long live all.
Douglas showed me the last version of the manuscript of the book he has been writing for over 23 years. `Time Travel Rabbit`. On the occasion of the telepathic relationship he had with his pet, a rabbit, that, after it died, appeared in his dreams to dictate him the book. About metaphysics, about traveling in time. A man to remember. Again. What kind of meetings on what kind of a travel…
The signs are just lying there to be seen.
The next morning we took a tired dip in the hotspring and started the tough 8-hour walk up to, apparently, the most beautiful view of the whole trek.




Tatopani to Gorepani

Up up up. No mercy. Only the weather was good. Enough clouds to keep the worst heat away. Eight hours up. We slept in `super view guesthouse`.A kind of dollhouse. The view was fog. Super. But anyway were we too tired too say more about it than `hm, ironic`, to nestle our feet again against the stove and half an hour later nestle our bodies in the dollhousebeds. Tomorrow to Poonhill. To see the sunrise above the Annapurna massif. Not alone apparently. And after that to begin the last day of the trek that would be a very tiring descent to Birektati.


Gorepani/Poonhill to Birektati

We get up at 5am. One hour up. Together with around 100 others with the same goal : seeing the sun rising above the mountains. Difficult to enjoy it with so many morningchatting people around. But still, took some pictures to look at them later alone and in peace.
After breakfast we descend, all the way to Birektati, the final village. We see many many people in the other direction. We are happy that`s not us.
It makes you realize how intelligent the mind is. It is focused on this day being the last one and a descending one. If we would have continued for five more days, then our mind and body would`ve saved some energy. But today all the energy can go out. No problem. And secretly we`re happy that it`s not us climbing up, but them.
Babu leads us to paradise. Green view guesthouse. With view on the river, delicious food, a terrace with the moon and stars above. I cry. For the whole trip. For every step, every misstep, every thought, every frustration, every relief, every shiver, every little pain, every mountain, every view, every insight, for every second I cry gratefully without any blame.
It`s over. 16 days of trekking. 14. Two resting days. The end of a long trek. The end of a long travel with Laura. The end of our ups and downs. The end of a search. Of a beautiful struggle, of a recognition.
The beginning of something new.
How many experiences can a human being have in a short period?
That many.




Taxi to Pokhara

The body is tired. As well as the mind. They can let everything go now. It`s over. Both have kept strong, have worked together to bring us to the end. Now it`s over. They know that and they act like that. I can only follow and let it happen. I can`t do more. Nor less. I sleep. Now.


Pokhara – not even an orange

In Pokhara., trekker- and touristparadise, in full tiredness of mind and body, sauntering between the stalls with 100% yakwoollen shawls and other things you buy, with aching calfs and muscles of the front of my feet which I wasn`t aware of before, realized to the fullest, between the masses of British, Germans, Israeli`s, seated on cosy terrasses, 100% western with asian touch,
that I am in need of nothing, but of absolutely positively nothing. Not even an orange.
Then I went to sit at the lake, where it wasn`t per se clean, but I didn`t mind. Then I went to the hotel because it got dark. Then I ordered a herbal tea and ate two digestive cookies, I read in the biography of Gandhi, went to sleep but couldn`t because of the heat and the mosquito. And still I was in need of absolutely nothing.
As if I had swallowed a mountain.
This morning I was nervous because of the beginning of something new, but underneath the nerves, underneath them are mountains now, lakes, creeks, moons and stars and silences that have always been there. And a new, old peace.