Being here for the second time
Unavoidably more intense
Just this and just that are not enough anymore
Why this and why that?
The answer is gone
So many feelings, experiences, sensations
But unable to label them
As if one bath filled with many things
Without distinction
What am I doing here?
What to learn? What to experience?
Is there maybe someone who can point out the direction?
A guide not needed
Just someone, or even one finger, to exclude some options
And to demand kindly but insistingly to go this way
And actually I know it
I know the answer
Doubt as an excuse to postpone the answer
And the answer is surrendering
Only that
Because that is what surrender is
Only that
A little bit of surrender doesn’t exist
Only that
So simple and so hard
To surrender oneself to the unknown
To let go
Of the control of the West, the past
Of opinions and thoughts
Of self-image and other image
Of heart and head
To let it be and to see with clearer sight her true nature
Fear
Even the words won’t help me this time
Even showing inability won’t work this time
Waste of time
In the best case an assist
A revelation of that which is necessary
And that is doing
Only that
Jumping
Just jumping
Closed eyes, closed ears, closed mouth, closed nose
-and therefore opener than ever-
And three times head down in the holy Ganga
Why holy?
No idea
Why three times?
No idea
Why head down?
Because head above is fear
Because head above is grasping on
Because head above doesn’t wet your hair
Why to bow?
Because bowing is surrendering, of body and mind
Surrendering to that what has always been present
In bower and non-bower
In giver and taker
In guru and disciple
Surrendering to the divine in each one
Simple
Om namo narayana
But still only words
Praying is a way to become enlightened
But what if the words sound hollow?
Right for the other, but not for me
Understood by the head, but not by the heart
What to do?
Being silent
Not wanting to become enlightened
Listening, being present
And then suddenly
A glimpse
Having given up the search, just breathed
And there is the normal miracle
Happiness, not more
Without thinking
Only that
The heart needs a bit more time
But once opened
It learns exponentially faster than the head
The heart doesn’t need to learn by heart
Doesn’t need to be convinced
It knows, directly
Darkness again
Thoughts, resistance, irritation of all that and who is in the vicinity
Being allergic to hollow words, hollow deeds
Seeing a baba, everyone at his feet
In a tent with glitters and airco
I can’t feel it, the respect
I see a man in a leather sofa, talking
No saint, no Jesus
Just a man with a beard of whom many pictures have been taken
But then there is the devotee
With simple words, simple gaze, no unnecessary action
“so how many are you, are you hungry?”
Getting food, without blame, without fuss
Normal
And then you feel something real
This I understand, says the heart
I understand, says the heart, that surrendering is nothing more than giving what you can
I understand that it is no special gift, no yogic art, no magic
Surrender is a bread that you give without counting the crumbs
Surrender is a smile that you give before you know it
Surrender is a gaze, without purpose or doubt
I understand, says the heart
And the head nods because it has understood that it is sometimes better to be quiet and it even starts to like it
I understand, says the heart, because it wasn’t finished yet,
That from today on I will give what I can, will say what I think, will act without expecting a reward, will listen to words and see through them the heart that is talking to me
I understand, says the heart, that that is now the task
And praying will come or not, bowing will follow or not, surrendering will be right or won’t be
The heart is quiet for a while, is not used to so many words
I am quiet too
Silence
And then I say, without anyone having to hear it, meaningless and much too late because the heart has yet decided : “I agree”
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